28. Indomitable kidneys

In Hong Kong, the water from our pipes often runs a cheery brown colour, as rust or sediment or something awful flakes from inside the pipes and into our sinks, our showers and (for the very richest amongst us) our baths.  Then there's the carcinogenic paint that some cold water tanks are painted with, to keep them from corroding (corroding because the water has some special ingredient, perhaps, that's being adulterated into the reservoirs to improve our productivity / tamp down nascent desires for democracy / make us more susceptible to buying 2 for 1 offers at Park N Shop International).  I'm not even going to mention the fact that countless cockroaches, both German and American, are at this very moment falling dead into water somewhere, festering at the bottom of the tank, slowly decaying and becoming part of our water supply.  Why harp on about all the reasons that the water in Hong Kong is possibly (and I'll whisper it, for those of you who are easily shocked) not very good for you?

Why indeed?  Only to point out that this is not a worry for me.  I am blessed with a mighty pair of kidneys, more than capable of taking whatever H₂O shenanigans the government, my landlord, or the entire genus of crustacea may try to throw at me.

That's right.  I don't need to drink distilled water, expensively purchased in a plastic bottle from the local supermarket or convenience store.  I don't need to sip on mineral water flown in at great expense from Fiji and packaged in a nominally environmentally friendly container.  I don't even need to avoid the risk of cholera (but that's because I don't live in the nineteenth century, I think, more than anything else).

Why am I so blithely unconcerned?

Because (and I don't like to boast) I am blessed with a mighty pair of kidneys, able to process whatever disgusting and noxious chemicals might be sent my way.  Brown water!  Ha!  I piss on you!

27. I'm very, very sure of myself

Some people that you will encounter will prefix and suffix their remarks with words like 'like' and 'perhaps' and 'kind of' and 'maybe'.  I am not likeable.  I am not kind.  I suffer not from mishaps, carrying burlaps or saying perhaps.  And as far as I am concerned, 'maybe' is an insect that produces honey, found only during the fifth month of each year.

And what I'm saying is that it does not matter one whit to me what you might think of me, and therefore I don't need to defend myself in advance.  I have the luxury, or indeed the necessity, of being correct, and of being confident in this.  I have yet to find a person who could convince me of being erroneous, because, let's face it, there's very little I say where there could be any possibility of error.

Thus them demonstrates that I do not suffer from any of the crises of confidence that may beset a lesser mortal.  Because I'm quite sure of who and what I am.  This can be most clearly evinced by my decision to live for two years in Hong Kong and not feel the need to learn any more Cantonese than the instructions for my taxi driver to proceed straight on.  Because that's the kind of straightforward, no-nonsense person I am.

Let me reiterate.  Learning languages is for losers, for those people too scared to tell other people that they are wrong, obstinate or just plain pigheaded to not speak the same language as I do.  It's at best nothing more than a simple faux pas to not be able to express oneself clearly in English, and at worst it just shows weakness of character.