24. I've never competed in a triathlon

There are several reasons why this makes me better than you, but I'm generous enough to see them as one overarching reason - that my parents loved and cared for me during my impressionable early years.
Firstly, it shows that my parents were capable of demonstrating their love for me as a child, at least from time to time, by giving me some toys to play with. Not so many that I became spoilt and grew up to be some kind of arrogant, overbearing and selfish nitwit, but enough that I didn't need to compensate later in life for an impoverished childhood by buying as much sporting equipment as possible. Let's face it, the only people that compete in triathlons are ones that get excited by the thought of owning wetsuits, and aerodynamic triathlon bicycles with stupid handlebars, and shoes with velcro instead of laces. It's a shame that you weren't given a small wooden fire engine to play with at the age of 5, but I suppose those are the breaks.
Secondly, when I was a small child, my parents realised the values of personal responsibility and manual dexterity and taught me how to tie my shoes. No need for velcro for me - I've got laces on my footwear, and I'm quite capable of tightening or loosening it depending on the situation. That's me, not some shoe-butler that has to be called whenever it's time to put on a pair of brogues. If you need velcro to get your shoes on and off then since velcro was only invented/given to us by aliens * in the 1950s, a century ago you would probably have been the kind of dimwit that wore clogs and thought that was a lifestyle choice. Or you were Dutch. I'll get on to that later.
Thirdly, when I was a child my parents didn't allow me to eat too many foods that were laced with E-numbers and additives. As a result I have the ability to concentrate for more than ten minutes on any particular thing. If I read a book, I don't have to stop every two minutes because I want to watch a moth flying round the room. If I want to go for a run, I'll go for a run. If I want to go cycling, I'll get on my bike. I don't have the gadfly attention span that means that after half an hour of swimming, I think "bored now!" and have to get on a bike. Or go riding for a couple of miles, and then think "well, I'm not very good at this. Maybe I'll try running for a change instead." Maybe if you could take a Game Boy with you to the swimming pool, you never would have had the kind of brain-addled idiocy come over you that made you think it was time to do a triathlon.
Oh, and fourth, if you were any good at all at any one of those sports, why didn't you stick to it? Ah. That's right, because you're rubbish at all three. Quantity doesn't always imply quality, you know.
* delete according to your prejudices