100 reasons I'm better than you

A catalogue of the 100 reasons that I'm better than the readers of this. Maybe I won't be better than each of you for every reason, but I'm sure there'll be at least one reason why I'm specifically better than YOU

17 July, 2006

17. Even my cleaner commands a higher salary than you

Ok, so you might have read Nickel & Dimed, and yes, you could try and point out that there was some existential problem with not doing your own vacuuming, where you weren't engaging properly with your true self, or some such daftness. But seriously, even with the Sisyphean task of shoving all the detritus from one end of my house to the other, could you really imagine me being happy?
And besides, I get paid a lot of money to sit around being pedantic, not to wear myself out scrubbing and polishing things. More to the point, it's probably my moral duty to employ somebody else to do menial tasks, in order that trickledown economics can function correctly. Cheers, Mr Reagan, for that excuse.
So I subcontract my cleaning to others. Many of you may do this, and think "he's not better than me! I too have underlings to remove dust from beneath my comfortable yet reasonably priced Habitat sofa". And this is true, possession of the services of a cleaner in and of itself is not a reason for my superiority. What is is the quality of my cleaner. My cleaner is degree educated from one of the top three universities in the country (possibly top two, depending on the relative performance in the league tables each year), has a highly important job in a large investment bank, and owns two incredibly fat cats. And yet despite all this, my cleaner is to be found in my house on specified days of the month, carefully dusting the incredibly large painting of my face and then polishing the surfaces of the kitchen to a mirror-like shine. Thus you may look upon my works and quail at my clear superiority.

01 July, 2006

16. I'm taller than you

Are you less than 5' 10.5" in height?

If so, tough. I'm better equipped for reaching things on high shelves than you are. So long, shortarse.

15. I don't have any tattoos

Now, that might sound a bit negative, but it's certainly the case that sometimes the absence of something is enough to make you superior. Perhaps you'd like to disagree. Perhaps you feel that getting ink done demonstrates a stoic determination to undergo pain for aesthetic purposes. But you'd be wrong. It would just show you were stupid; either for the masochism of the act itself, or for thinking tattoos ever look good.

They don't. Go on, spend a few hours on Flickr or Google Images or elsewhere, hunting for a good tattoo. No such thing exists. There's either slag antlers (which women mistake for having a personality - and let's face it, if your personality is a substandard bit of 'Celtic' art just above your arse, you really are barking up the wrong street), evidence that you never grew out of Dungeons & Dragons, or something poorly executed with a needle and a broken biro. It doesn't ever make you look good.

Oh, and while we're at it: piercings. If you're a woman, fine, you can have one in each ear. That's all. (But in any case, if you're a woman, then I'm sorry, but Reason 1 has already caught you). Anyone else and anywhere else is just wrong. Take Prince Alberts, for example. The urethra is a pretty neat bit of waste disposal, evolved over millions of years. If it was meant to have a great big lump of surgical steel bashed through it, allowing you to urinate in three directions at once, don't you think everyone would have one?