15. I don't have any tattoos

Now, that might sound a bit negative, but it's certainly the case that sometimes the absence of something is enough to make you superior. Perhaps you'd like to disagree. Perhaps you feel that getting ink done demonstrates a stoic determination to undergo pain for aesthetic purposes. But you'd be wrong. It would just show you were stupid; either for the masochism of the act itself, or for thinking tattoos ever look good.

They don't. Go on, spend a few hours on Flickr or Google Images or elsewhere, hunting for a good tattoo. No such thing exists. There's either slag antlers (which women mistake for having a personality - and let's face it, if your personality is a substandard bit of 'Celtic' art just above your arse, you really are barking up the wrong street), evidence that you never grew out of Dungeons & Dragons, or something poorly executed with a needle and a broken biro. It doesn't ever make you look good.

Oh, and while we're at it: piercings. If you're a woman, fine, you can have one in each ear. That's all. (But in any case, if you're a woman, then I'm sorry, but Reason 1 has already caught you). Anyone else and anywhere else is just wrong. Take Prince Alberts, for example. The urethra is a pretty neat bit of waste disposal, evolved over millions of years. If it was meant to have a great big lump of surgical steel bashed through it, allowing you to urinate in three directions at once, don't you think everyone would have one?