3. My resting heart rate is less than 48 bpm

As a result, you may infer that my capacity for aerobic endeavour and my cardiac health are both superior to yours.

2. I've got three A-levels

This should sort the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly.

A-levels are the gold standard of the English secondary school system. By implication, since the English secondary school system is superior to all other pedagogical schemes for the under-18s, I possess three things which mark me out as superior to anyone who doesn't have at least three of them.

Got an international baccalaureat? Piffle.
Score highly on your SAT? Wait and I might make an impressed face, about the same time as Percy the Pig does an Immelman turn over my house.
25 m swimming badge? Arts and Crafts from Boy Scouts? High School Diploma? Nothing, nada, zero to the nth degree. Against the might of my three A-levels, your qualifications are meaningless. If you mention them, it's not just showing that I'm better than you because I've got A-levels. It shows that you're inferior, because you thought your pointless bit of paper could somehow match up.

And just to drive the point home completely, let's think about what grades I received for these A-levels. A. A. A. If the vagaries of the English secondary school system confuse you at all, let me make it abundantly clear. An A grade for an A-level is the best. There is nothing better. If you got a B grade, that was not as good as me. My grades are superior to yours.

1: I'm male

Now, admittedly this doesn't get me to be superior to about half the population of the world, but never mind, they'll get dealt with later. However, for all those people out there missing a y-chromosome who might take umbrage at this reason, let's consider the facts:

• Men have a higher mortality rate than women. Statistically, you're (very slightly) more likely to be born male than female. This is a Good Thing, because women tend to be more sensible than men and therefore don't go around drinking cider, fighting outside the Walkabout in Bromley, or riding motorcycles without insurance. If there wasn't a natural bias to the masculine, then we'd be running out of men too fast. Sure, we could balance this by getting more women to take up dangerous pursuits, but let's face it - the force of tradition is too strong for many to bear. Women are good at drinking White Lightning and screeching, but when it comes to a good old-fashioned pummelling in full view of two disinterested bouncers and a crowd of troglodyte onlookers, nobody does it better than a couple of lagered up blokes.


• But I'm not dead yet. That is, despite a genetic predisposition to die faster than women, I'm still here and still typing into this keyboard. Surely that alone is demonstration of something.


• Pregnancy holds no fear for me. OK, so I don't get maternity leave, but the cheerful outcome of an EU employment court is that men can have as much paternity leave as they like, as long as they keep putting women up the duff. What's more, they don't have to hang around for any time after the baby pops out, unless they're scared of the moral approbation of those around them. Oh, and Child Support bills, I guess. Hmm. Might have to reconsider that one, although I'm sure a pro forma prenuptial could be proffered every time we go down Tontine Street (Folkestone's own community sperm bank) to impregnate a willing accomplice.

Against this, what can being female offer over being male?
Living a bit longer? Well, my first point covers that off. I'm not very impressed by turtles either - so they've been hanging around a long time - so what?

Being able to multi-task? That cuts no ice either, unfortunately, as I'm well capable of eating my dinner and at the same time reading a book. But never mind. Anyone with better reasons than this should reply beneath. If nobody does, well, I guess it proves who won the gender wars after all...